Top Trumps

Mark shuffled the cards. They were sitting on red plastic chairs, Dan opposite him across the width of a school table
‘No, he’s not a spree killer. He’s a mass murderer.’
‘What?’
‘In physics, you said Lawrence was a spree killer, but all his victims were killed on the same day. He’s a mass murderer, technically.’
Mark dealt the cards, sharing the whole pack out. He paused to look across to the open door-way. A sixth-former was walking past. She was very thin with dyed black hair. Her back-dimples were clearly defined. She had a ring through her lower lip and a t-shirt which read “Boys lie, poke ‘em in the eye”. As soon as she’d passed, both boys picked up their piles.
‘We can still do him a card, right?’
‘Of course.’
They’d tried to buy serial killer trading cards on e-bay: very expensive. Anyway, it was far more fun to make your own.
“He needs a nick-name.”
What excited them at first was the names: The Green River Killer; Citizen X; The Night Stalker; The Co-ed Killer; Bible John; Charlie Chop-off; The Yorkshire Ripper; The Son of Sam; The Killer Clown; The Zebra Killers; The Monster Butler; The Moors Murderers; The Black Doodler; The Railway Killer; The Southside Slayer; The Die Song (their favourite).
“History Man.”
“The Hammer Horror.”
“Youngest player first: your go, Dan.”
“Victims: 48.”
“Impressive. Who is that – Green River?”
“Yeah, Gary Ridgway.”
“Victims: 38. You get Bundy!”
“Cool.”
Each card was classic top-trumps style. The killer’s eyes stared out from a photo taken from the internet or some true-crime encyclopaedia. Above that were the nick-name and real name of the character. Richard Chase: “The Vampire Killer”. Albert DeSalvo: “The Boston Strangler”. DeSalvo was a classic – he had three names: a.k.a. “The Measuring Man”, a.k.a “The Green Man”. Only lethal as the strangler. Some cards only bore the police/press name: Jack the Ripper; Jack The Stripper; The Zodiac Killer. Never caught, so freeing the theory-makers: serial killer burn-out all they way to Jack as incarnation of ultimate evil. Some of the names they came up with themselves - Aileen Wuornos: “The Weaponised Lesbian”. The cards had a short description of the killers’ careers: the MO; Herbert Mullin inspecting intestines for signs of pollution; Gacy’s clown acts - Pogo and Patches; Bundy’s escapes; when they were executed (if applicable). Serial murder ironies: Edmund Kemper and Peter Woodcock – let loose to kill again; “The Gay Slayer”, Colin Ireland, learning how to be a serial killer from a book.
“We should make some cards for fictional killers,” said Dan.
“Yeah. That would be fun.”
“Harder to get the facts.”
“Have to watch the films again. Hannibal Lecter; Buffalo Bill.”
“Yeah. The fictional ones are even worse than reality: Patrick Bateman; Henry; The Gemini Killer in The Exorcist.”
“Yeh – possessed by the devil. Does that count as a legal defence?”
“More female killers in the fictional sphere.”
“Which is stupid.”
“When you’ve done them we could put the imagined ones up against the real thing.”
“Combine the packs for a mega game of homicidal top-trumps. Like with the Buffy and Angel sets.”
“Okay. I’ll make a start.”
“It’s still your go.”
“Intelligence: 10.”
“Intelligence: 2.”
“I had Shipman.”
“Yeah, you got The Stockwell Strangler: Kenneth Erskine, mental age 11.”
Categories included time on the loose, number of victims, books and films inspired; then the obligatory top-trumps out-of-ten ratings: intelligence; ferocity; insanity. The last three mainly made up by the card-designers. Mary Ann Cotton’s twenty-year career beats Jack the Ripper’s 10 weeks. No-one can touch Shipman on victims. Jeffrey Dahmer trumps Gerald Stano on books. Mullin takes Wuornos on insanity. The Gainsville Ripper aces Yang Xinhai on ferocity. The bell goes and it’s time for lessons. Mark sweeps up the cards and they re-arrange the chairs, get their books out, waiting for the teacher and their class-mates.